I'm coming for you
Updated: Dec 12, 2020
Everything little thing you do matters. You have the power to heal, the power to be your full, vibrant, true self through your every action, intention, and thought. Everything matters on this journey.
Perhaps you need to heal. Perhaps you are not physically well right now. Perhaps it is time for you to step into your rightful role as the hero in your own story.
I found this bit of journalling (below) from the Rheumatoid Arthritis flare-up I had in 2017. It was the only such regression I had since starting the journey to heal with food in 2006. And it was diet-related; I had swayed from my diet with bad habits (stemming from lack of self-love) over time in small ways that accreted over time like a rolling snowball. My system slowly degraded in a way that I was not ready to see, until the snowball came crashing down hard, exploding as an unstoppable force that narrowed my attention back to this singular aspect of my life. It was not only an opportunity to reintegrate the foods and practices that supported me, but it also provided a crucial stepping stone for me to heal from deeply-seated emotional/psychological issues surrounding eating.
Am I awake to the real lesson? The deeper layer?
“It's felt like an uphill battle, but reading back from over a month ago, I have healed a lot and come a long way. Then, I had crippling pain from walking. Then, every step was delicately and slowly managed, so careful not to bump anything with my feet or place the steps on surfaces that might be uneven. It felt like every fiber of my being was dedicated to protecting my feet in every step from the pain that would stop me, force me to close my eyes, breathe deeply through the pain, and focus on allowing the pain and the moments to pass. I did not want to give up on being able to walk again. I did not give up on it.
The main thing I am struggling with now is the numbness in my left hand and wrist. The numbness when I sleep keeps me awake. I am getting 3-4hrs/night, and the night before last was the worst, as I just got a few hours but woke several times with numbness and SO much pain trying to get it the incredible painful tingling to stop and for feeling to come back. It was so painful it took my breath and I struggled for 20 or so minutes each time with intense pain. I did some exercise, jumping around the apartment in the middle of the night, the best I could to get blood flowing to work it out. It's difficult anyway to let yourself fall asleep when you know that's what you'll wake up to.
Last night though, I slept better than I have in weeks. I was motivated to journal about what I ate and did to recreate that. Let's start with what I did day before yesterday, where I woke through the night with the worst yet numbness and massive associated pain…”
There is a cyclical nature to life, for all of us. We all experience a sense of regression that accompanies imbalance, when we have to take stock of our selves and actions. In a special sense, sometimes we must go backward to move forward. When you feel as though the wheel of life is just turning backward on you, and you are on the low end of that cycle, avoid a passive approach. When you are low, work actively to turn that wheel. The single most important thing I do when I have a rare flare-up is to focus. I focus on everything I can do for myself. I throw everything at it, everything in my tool belt, from the most nourishing foods and healing herbs to meditation and mindfulness, but most importantly lots of self-love. Your every action during this time should reflect the love you have for yourself and the dedication to heal.
Remember that healing is absolutely possible. Approach this steely-eyed: you are coming for this thing, and you are powerful; it should fear you. The intention is to remember or internalize your personal power so deeply that it dominates your thoughts; there is then absolutely no space for thoughts of defeat or disempowerment. It can be a tough period. It can be really hard. But your power is building through your every action, intention, and thought toward your healing, and you are coming for it.
Cycles are a part of life. Look to turning that wheel forward, not back. Focus on the real steps you take right now and be filled with gratitude that you have the knowledge and the power to make change, even if progress will be slow. Stay steady, calm, and strong. You matter. Your actions matter.